


The Everything

by Tangerine



Category: X-Force (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-03-07
Updated: 2001-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-04 07:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13359618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine/pseuds/Tangerine
Summary: There's something amiss with Julio and Shatterstar's sure it's something he did. So what's the truth and are either of them ready to face it?





	The Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in the early 2000s.

The stars are the greatest thing you've ever seen  
And they're there for you  
For you alone you are the everything  
\- REM, ‘You Are The Everything' 

~~~ 

The first night, it was nearly three in the morning when Shatterstar heard the pliant squish of bare feet in the hallway, the familiar sound of a step he recognised immediately. It was Julio, but when he looked to the door, the feet were already running away from the room. 

The second night, which was several days later, Julio visited him again, standing in the doorway and this time not moving at all. Shatterstar looked up at him, saw how the dark eyes stared, and Shatterstar turned away, ashamed for no reason he understood. When he looked up again, Julio was gone without sound. 

Then Julio stopped associating with him all together, and it was up to Shatterstar to pretend it didn't matter, there was nothing astray, everything was just peachy fine. When Warpath commented on it, Shatterstar just shrugged and said he hadn't noticed anything amiss with Julio. When Siryn asked, Shatterstar just shrugged. When Sam asked, Shatterstar looked away and hoped that was answer enough. 

Shatterstar tried to talk to Julio, but the Mexican seemed to avoid the personal moments they always had before, leaving a room if Shatterstar came too close, treating him badly if he snuck upon Julio before Rictor could flee. Even Sunspot noticed this, and Shatterstar could just stand there dumbly, pretending he understood when he didn't at all. 

The whole situation just didn't make sense. 

~~~ 

Shatterstar, having nothing better to do now, watched the television by himself. It was lonely, he realised eventually, because, before, Julio always seemed to come in at some point during the night to fight over the remote control and roll his eyes at every show Shatterstar picked. Usually they'd settle on something they both enjoyed, like music videos or history films. Sometimes, if Julio did a certain thing with his mouth, Shatterstar would let Julio have free reign over the channels because it just seemed like the proper thing to do. 

It was also boring without Julio. Shatterstar was too used to the constant stream of sarcastic comments or the long, extended silences when Julio sat with his legs crossed, leaning forward, completely immersed in the television. Shatterstar always tried not to watch him, didn't think it right to stare at his only true friend like that, but Julio demanded attention, and he gave it gladly. 

One night, in the middle of the mess, Domino joined him, sitting in Julio's place and grunting whenever Shatterstar flipped through the stations. Finally, he turned off the television and sat there, most of him hoping that Domino would get up and leave, just a little part of him not minding the company. 

Shatterstar sat patiently with his hands in his lap, trying not to watch the clock slowly tick away. Domino leaned back, making herself comfortable, and Shatterstar frowned, wondering why she just wouldn't leave. Eventually, though, she did, and when she was gone, he didn't feel quite so bad as before, but no less perplexed either. 

She wasn't the person he wanted to see in the first place. 

~~~ 

It never affected the team. Rictor's seismic powers didn't really mesh with his fighting skills, and though they watched each other's back like Cable instructed, they didn't talk like before, barely even looked at each other. Shatterstar still knew every move Julio made before he did it, and Julio still knew to stand a metre back to stay clear of the slashing swords. When Shatterstar got the wind knocked out of him by a well-placed wall, Julio was gracious enough to act concerned for his well-being. 

Shatterstar limped off, holding his bruised belly tenderly with soft, spread fingers. Bypassing the shower, he went straight to the television room and collapsed on the couch, turning on the box as he waited for his body to heal. 

"You okay, amigo?" Julio asked from the doorway, his long hair sweaty from the workout, his voice almost too soft to hear. Shatterstar simply nodded and listened to Julio walk away, thinking maybe he should get hurt more often if that's what Julio needed to speak to him again 

He would do whatever Julio wanted if things would just go back to how they used to be. 

~~~ 

Shatterstar was half-asleep when the footsteps walked through the hall again, jolting awake on the couch because he thought, for a second, he was going to be attacked. It was only Julio, though, roaming the halls late at night, like he always seemed to do now, never coming in, just standing beyond the boundary of the room. 

Peering over the couch, their eyes met, and Shatterstar wanted to look away because Julio was giving him that look again, that harsh, accusing look that the Mexican saved for late at night, when Shatterstar watched television by himself, pretending he enjoyed it. 

"What did I do?" Shatterstar asked meekly. 

Julio just tightened the arms around his belly and looked away as if he could see better staring into the dark. Shatterstar frowned but said nothing, understanding it was probably something that was obvious and it was his fault for not knowing why Julio was upset. 

Shatterstar tried to ignore the sound of bare feet rapidly hitting concrete before they faded away into nothing. 

~~~ 

The next night, Shatterstar was too drained to even attempt to watch television. Instead, he was going to climb into bed and hope that in the morning something fixed itself and Julio went back to the way he had been, not an especially happy person but at least not exceptionally cruel either. 

Shatterstar climbed under the covers, pulling them over his head and blinking rapidly. Odd, he thought, his eyes felt strangely hot, and when he realised it meant he was crying, he felt really stupid and blamed it on the lack of television. 

It wasn't comfortable or assuring to blame it on the lack of Julio. 

~~~ 

Shatterstar decided not to wake up the next morning either, and he faked illness when Domino came to see why he missed the training session. "Sick," he said pathetically, shivering under the comforter, "I just wish to sleep a bit more. I will be fine." 

Domino didn't look like she believed him, clucking her tongue and shaking her head, but she brushed his hair from his forehead like a long-lost mother and didn't say anything, just tucked him in tightly and turned off the light. 

Shatterstar hoped she meant to say pleasant dreams and just forgot. 

~~~ 

That night, the door to his room opened, and Shatterstar jumped out of bed, swords in hand as he went to attack the nothingness, but there was no one there, just a faint echo of feet in the distance. Frowning, Shatterstar realised he had two options: go back to sleep or find wherever it was Julio ran off to. Ignoring his better judgement, he put on a pair of pants. 

If Julio didn't want to be found, he wouldn't be, but he hid obviously in the room where they kept all the spare uniforms, the yellow and blue costumes no one wore. It was a small room with a lot of mirrors, and Shatterstar only knew it was there because Julio liked hiding in it whenever he was sick of everyone else. 

The most troubling fact, however, was not the fact Julio was in so obvious a place but that he was so obviously crying. Shatterstar thought it was just the heavy sound of his breathing at first, due to the fact Julio spent more time sleeping than training, but Julio was in much better shape recently and his breath never quite sounded like that. 

"Julio?" Shatterstar asked quietly, a palm flat against the door as he pushed it slowly open. Julio immediately put his hands in front of his face, trying to hide the obvious, and pulled back into the corner. Shatterstar thought, in that instant, he should leave because it wasn't right to intrude on so private a moment. "Are you," he started but stopped because Julio was obviously not okay at all. "Why are you crying?" 

"This is your fault," Julio muttered, his hands in fists at his head. 

"I do not understand what I did," Shatterstar confessed, staring at the floor because it was just too painful to look at Julio. Instead, he kept both hands on the doorknob, turning it between his fingers. "Whatever it is, Julio, I did not intend it." 

"Just stop it," Julio said, his eyes pressed closed, his face tipped forward, and Shatterstar wanted to kneel at the Mexican's feet, to beg forgiveness, to do anything Julio wished of him, selflessly and without question. "Just go, ‘Star." 

"What did I do? Please. Tell me what I did," Shatterstar asked, vaguely aware he was probably begging, not really caring at all because this whole situation was not right. When Julio didn't answer, he reached out and tried to touch him, but Julio flinched, shoving him away with a hard hand. 

Startled, Shatterstar tumbled backwards, stunned, and smacked his head on the door. Gracelessly, he fell to the floor and knocked Julio down with him, his long legs attempting to stop his spiral. Julio landed heavily on his stomach, leaving them chest to chest as Julio's face bounced off Shatterstar's chin. 

"I am bleeding," Shatterstar said stupidly, pressing his hand to his chin and lying there, too stunned to move. The pain was everywhere, it seemed, and Julio was no longer moving, was barely even breathing and was probably in pain as well. "Julio?" 

When the hands wrapped in his shirt, Shatterstar expected to be shoved away, but the touch turned tender and a sobbing face was suddenly pressed into his chest, Julio's entire body shaking. 

"Julio?" Shatterstar whispered, his arms leaving his face and touching Julio on the back, his whole body jerking abruptly when he realised Julio seemed to shrink in his arms, clutching his shirt so tightly he was sure it would rip. "I did not mean to make you cry." 

"What am I to you?" Julio demanded, his voice brusque and muffled by the knot of his fists twirled in cotton fabric. 

"You are," Shatterstar said softly, trying to think of the best way to describe just what Julio was to him because it was so simple and fundamental that description was not easy. Slowly, finding strength in media, he said, "you are the everything, Julio." 

Julio pulled back and looked at him, straddled on Shatterstar's hips, hair a messy tangle, face streaked with tears, and Shatterstar really thought Julio never looked as beautiful as he did in that moment, at his most raw and exposed. 

"Is this because I love you?" Shatterstar asked, "is this because I said I loved you?" 

Julio seemed to get angry for one terrible second, and Shatterstar tipped back his head, offering his jaw, but Julio stopped, breathing hard like he hurt inside. "Men," Julio said quietly, pulling at Shatterstar's shirt gently, "do not tell other men they love them." 

Shatterstar tilted his head, confused. "Why not?" 

"It isn't right," Julio whispered, "it isn't normal." 

Shatterstar looked down at Julio's fingers and how they moved so calmly on his body now, smoothing the shirt over his chest, and what Julio was saying, it really didn't make sense to Shatterstar, not when Julio did things like that. "Domino told me it was all right. She said, sometimes, men love other men instead of women, like on my world. I asked, Julio, I made sure it was normal before I said anything." 

"I'm not." Julio dipped his head, his hair hanging, alive, in front of his face. "I'm not like that, ‘Star." 

Shatterstar watched the hands, saw how they touched him and really didn't think Julio honestly thought this was a manly, friendly way of touching another person, but he understood, somewhat, that maybe Julio was just afraid. "I honestly thought you returned my affection." 

"It's not right," Julio whispered, leaning forward, and Shatterstar pulled back until his head hit the wall, wary of this position. Already upset, Julio could very well shake the building to its foundation. "It's not normal." 

Shatterstar lifted his head, wondering how Julio got so close to his face, and said, bravely, "I think it is right, Julio. I think it is normal. I am sincerely sorry if I have ruined our friendship, but," Shatterstar wanted so very much to wipe those sharp cheeks dry, "I still love you." 

"Stop saying that," Julio murmured, his hands rushing up Shatterstar's neck, his fingers taking Shatterstar by the jaw and exposing the long neck. Shatterstar let him do it, didn't mind so much that death was a possibility because it would probably be worse to live with Julio's scorn anyway. "How do you even know what love is anyway?" 

"I know." Shatterstar swallowed, feeling Julio's thumbs at his throat, rubbing gentle circles. 

"And what if I can't love you back?" Julio asked, his voice cracking like old fire. "What if I say that I just can't because," and Shatterstar waited for a reason, knowing there probably wasn't one, because the ripples in Julio's body betrayed his fear. "What if I just can't?" 

"Then that is all right, too, because I can love you from afar and not worry about whether you even like me in return. This is not a new love, Julio, just newly known to you," Shatterstar murmured, rolling his head when Julio leaned so close their foreheads brushed, their breaths shared. "And I may just be very stupid when it comes to these things, but I am sure this is the most right of all things in my life." 

Julio opened his mouth, breathing words, and leaned forward, dry lips brushing like silk over flesh. It tasted like tears, a sad kiss then, and maybe a kiss goodbye, so Shatterstar clung to it, wanting to remember all of it, needing to embrace eternity, just for a little while. 

But Julio didn't seem to want that at all and whispered instead, "you're the everything, too."


End file.
